Stacey. 27. Trying to forge a life beyond the confines of anorexia. Fragments of hope, smiles and loveliness.
Grumble grumble ugh.
I had a lovely evening though!
I’m seeing the Matilda Musical on Thursday. I am so ridiculously excited.
I got 10 A*s xx
Anonymous said: 9, 11, 14, 19
9. Can you remember when you started to think about recovery? What were your thoughts? Are these any different now?
I first started thinking about recovery about six years ago while I was at uni. I was really really struggling and my friends and housemates spent months trying to convince me to get help. It was a long time before I would accept that I even had a problem, let alone that it was something that I could recover from, but it’s thanks to my lovely friends that I eventually sought help.
Back then, I thought of recovery as something that I knew I should aim for, but I could never truly convince myself that it would be better than living with an eating disorder. Nowadays, however, I know without a doubt that any kind of recovered life has GOT to be better than a life with anorexia.
11. What things have you learnt about yourself since starting recovery?
I’ve learnt what I truly value in life: friendship, independence and happiness. I’ve learnt that in life you have to be able to rely on yourself, not on others. I’ve learnt how much more ‘me’ I am when I’m not starving myself. And, most importantly, I’ve learnt that I like ice cream! :)
14: What has been a positive stand out moment for you so far in recovery?
There have been a few actually, which is nice, but one of the best ones was the second time I went for a meal out with the eating-out group. We went without a member of staff and it just felt so nice and ‘normal’. We had bagels in a cafe, then a couple of us challenged ourselves to have an ice cream afterwards and it felt like such a genuine achievement and it actually felt GOOD! Whenever I’ve challenged myself during my past admissions it always felt like a bad thing because I was turning my back on the eating disorder, but for the first time this was a good thing! And the sun was shining and all felt good in the world! :)
19: What did your eating disorder take away from you?
It took away my freedom, my independence, my happiness, my friendships, my personality, my zest for life, my hobbies, my dreams, my goals, and all of my hope. Luckily, it’s all retrievable though, and I’m working hard at getting it back.
Anonymous said: Do you think you'll be able to avoid relapse this time?
I don’t want to say yes because I don’t want to jinx it, but I will say that I do feel really really positive this time around. In the past I’ve always gone through IP treatment wanting recovery whilst simultaneously wanting anorexia, and the two are kinda mutually exclusive, ha! This time though I definitely do NOT want the illness. I have no inclination to go back to that hell. This last relapse was so horrific and painful and scary and I definitely don’t want that life any more.
Anonymous said: What brand/colour do you use on your hair? I love the colour!
Thank you! :) It’s Garnier Olia Intense Copper. I hadn’t coloured my hair in years so I did a bit of research beforehand and this one had some good reviews so I went for it! xx
Soooo it’s been a long and particularly shitty weekend. To be fair, it started off well: I went back to my flat after lunch on Friday and got very excited because my new fridge/freezer had finally been installed (yes, I got so excited that I took a photo! But please don’t panic that there’s not much in it - I don’t get much chance to eat at home at the moment)! I haven’t had a working freezer since I moved to Oxford three years ago, so it was quite the occasion, ha!
So I pottered around at home for a while and admired the freezer, then went into town to meet my amazing mytuesdaymorning. We went for a drink at the pub on the way back to mine like the good ole days and then had dinner and watched a film. It was a lovely lovely evening and made me smiley and reminded me that sometimes life is good! :)
I had to be back at the unit by lunchtime on Saturday so I nipped into town on Saturday morning then headed back. I SO did not want to go back and I basically spent the majority of Saturday wallowing in my own misery.
The misery continued through to Sunday, but I forced myself to do something productive with my day and spent some time working on my recovery book and DYED MY HAIR! :) Does it look OK? I quite like it, I think.
Today (Monday) has been pretty rubbish because it’s weigh day, ugh, it has poured with rain all day, and my parents came to visit this afternoon, which was uber stressful and just generally rubbish to be honest. But at least I got to see my doggy, and we went to a pet shop that had pet scales so since Monday is weigh day I made him join in too! ;)
Anonymous said: how was your weekend ?????
I shall do an update now :) xx
thoughtsofrebecca said: does it actually work:P ? hope you are ok , how have you been ?
It kinda worked while I was having it, but I couldn’t afford to have it forever so once I stopped having appointments it stopped working. Plus, it was a fair few years ago now and I was a lot less restrictive then and my weight wasn’t seriously low. I don’t think it would have been effective once I was deeper within the illness, kinda thing. I think it’s the sort of thing that can only work once you’ve recovered physically maybe?xx
Anonymous said: I am the first anon that mentioned you look like Ellie and I completely meant it as a compliment. She was my favorite character in Up and she was so full of life and just awesome like you are. :)
Aww, you just made my day! Thank you!
Anonymous said: you DO look like ellie from up! :)
Ha, thanks, I think! :) xxx
Anonymous said: That last picture you posted made me think you look like Ellie from Up when she was younger. She was beautiful and so are you. Adventures (or life) are out there! :)
Having googled this character I’m not sure whether this is a compliment or not ha! ;) But I’ll take it as a compliment anyway! Thank you! :) xxx