Stacey. 27. Trying to forge a life beyond the confines of anorexia. Fragments of hope, smiles and loveliness.
Anonymous said: your eating disorder story????????
I won’t post it here because I think that even under a ‘read more’ and with a trigger warning it can be problematic for people, but I’ll put it on a separate page on my blog (if I can work out how ha!).xx
Anonymous said: did you ever find having an eating disorder just a natural thing , like being anything thing other than the ed version of yourself isnt you and its not real.?????????????
All the time. I don’t really see the eating disorder as a separate entity to myself at all, to be honest. It’s a part of me and it’s MY head and it IS me. But it’s a part of me that I can change if I want to.
It’s like how when I was younger I HATED being wrong. I literally couldn’t deal with being corrected and I would argue black was blue rather than be seen to be wrong about something. And I didn’t like that aspect of myself, so I decided to change it. I made a concerted effort to listen to other people and to bow down gracefully when I was mistaken about something. It took a lot of hard work because it was it was such an automatic thing, but I worked at it and I think (I hope!) that I’m a lot better now and I can readily accept when I’m wrong.
That’s kinda how I see my eating disorder. Yes, it’s a natural part of me, but that doesn’t mean that it has to stay a part of me. Does that make sense?!
Anonymous said: How did you stop yourself restricting fluids . was it just a thing you had to force yourself to do ?
mytuesdaymorning said: Not only did you do song lyrics, but you did The Smiths. Bravo, my friend, bravo. My hard work hasn't been a waste
Hmph! I did it IN SPITE of you, not because of you! ;)
Anonymous said: how did weigh in go ?????????????
I truly appreciate you showing an interest is my dull little life, but I don’t think that answering your question would help anyone. Sorry!xx
Need to go to bed because I have to be up at 6:30 tomorrow but I don’t want to because I don’t want Monday to come. Ugh.
Anonymous said: compared to how you were last year how much better is your life ???????
Good question! I have a god-awful memory so I had to really think about this and consult my tumblr from that time (the closest thing I have to a diary!), as well as look through some of my paperwork, admin, etc.
So this time last year I was an outpatient and in the middle of a phased return to work. I was seeing my therapist once a week and being weighed, as well as seeing the OT once a week. The OT would come and sit with me one evening per week and support me to eat my ‘dinner’, as well as to help me plan what I’d eat for the week ahead and generally talk through any problems/difficulties I was having. My tumblr posts from this time indicate that things weren’t going well. I was well on my way to complete relapse and I remember the OT telling me this and urging me to try to change now before it was too late.
I felt stuck and miserable and desperate. I wasn’t enjoying work, I didn’t really have a social life, eating was a massive struggle and was just getting worse and worse, my life was controlled by ‘rules’ and routines, I had to do X amount of exercise per day, I hated myself and my life and wanted out, for good.
And now? It’s early days. I was discharged from IP last week and am now attending the day patient programme on weekdays. I am trying to expand my hobbies and interests and create a life for myself. I have started volunteering for a few hours a week and I’m making an effort to see friends and structure my free time. I’m thinking about changing my job. The ‘rules’ and routines are still constantly niggling in my head but I no longer allow them to control me and my life. I ignore them and show them who’s boss! I follow my meal plan to the best of my ability, and this best is so so SO much better than my ‘best’ was a year ago! I’m actively working towards recovery rather than clinging on to my eating disorder. I am aware of my problem with exercise and try to keep it in check. I can’t say I like myself completely, but I’m working at it! I’m trying to create the life that I want for myself. I want to live now, and that may be because I’ve learnt through bitter experience that the NHS is not going to let me die, but that doesn’t negate the importance of the change in me.
The more I think about it, the more I can see that my life has changed so much for the better already. Thinking back to how things were makes me feel like crying because I remember so clearly how awful I felt, but I’m going to try to use that to spur me on when times get hard. I know (as my therapist is constantly reminding me!) that I’m not out of the woods yet, but there is hope.
Thank you for asking.xxx
(Source: , via morganalefaystardust)